This is a rant! But it doesn’t come from a triggered place. It comes from a place of scrutiny and observation as well as lived experience.
I read the following post on someone's feed and commented that it is an enabling sentence. Narcissistic people are behaving like that because of their trauma. They deserve love and empathy’. In response to the comment, I was told that victims don’t like to be treated like victims. So, I thought I would unpack that pseudo empathy and why that’s harmful.
I agree with the sentiment that pathological narcissists are humans and they have feelings too. I am not advocating that we lose our ability to empathise with another human being just because they have a psychological issue that causes chaos in other people’s lives. The best thing to do is to stay away and protect your energy. But, this is not the case for many people who are enduring narcissistic abuse because of cultural, financial and social reasons. And that’s where the problem starts with a statement like that.
People who endure narcissistic abuse are often isolated with their experience. They are likely to be cut off from a support system and access to therapy. They are living constantly believing that everything happening in their life is their fault. So, when someone else is pointing out that the person who is abusing them is worthy of love, that causes further cognitive dissonance to a person who is already feeling confused due to years of gaslighting and manipulation.
Victim by definition is a person who has been subject to harm by an incident or a person. Narcissistic abuse is intentionally executed by the narcissist. In that context, a person who is subject to that abuse is in fact a victim. Many remain a victim due to limitations of support, understanding and the level of coercion. Many remain a victim due to the ongoing abuse to the body and the nervous system. Many become victimised by narcissistic abuse due to the fact that they have had narcissistic parents. All in all, victims continuously get victimised by lack of support. And to rush people from that state to call themselves survivors and get on with their lives like the rest of us is what I call pseudo empathy. Victims' lives don’t change or improve because we change syntax. Their lives can only be improved when we recognize that these people are victims of systematic abuse perpetrated by an individual who selfishly cares about themselves even at the cost of another person’s life.
To deny the acknowledgement of the experience of abuse faced by a victim by merely changing the discourse around the incident is to victimise these people again. So, enough with the pseudo empathy and the rush to empower people. Hold a space, acknowledge that they are victims and believe them. There’s a process out of abusive situations. It all starts with acknowledging that we are victims. An individual has the ability to decide to go from a victim, to survivor to a thriver. We as a society must cultivate the ability to provide empathy, space and time for those who want to thrive at their own pace instead of rushing them with pseudo empathy.
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Nisanka Wickramarachchi
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