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When I was about thirteen or fourteen, my grandmother took me to one of my aunt's houses for a visit. This aunt is known for "possessing the devil" amongst us. I can now tell you that she shows signs of a grandiose/malignant narcissist.
On this particular day of our visit, she definitely had the devil in her. Sadly, I was usually the punching bag in the family. She shouted insults at me and paced in and out of the bedroom angrily, stomping her feet, waving her fingers at me. I sat in my bed feeling frozen. My grandmother was trying to stop her, but every time she did, my aunt's rage grew. So, my grandmother eventually kept quiet.
Once, she had left the room and we both knew that she wasn't coming back, my grandmother turned to me and comforted me. She said something like, "That anger is hers. You have done nothing wrong". Through her fake teeth, she smiled and whispered, "this is not quite the welcome, is it?"
Even though my grandmother had no understanding of narcissism or gaslighting, she knew a great deal about how to be present and show empathy. Her empathy and compassion felt like a drop of water in the desert for me at the time. It made me feel safe and helped me get through the rest of the stay. (Unfortunately, my grandmother had appointments and we couldn't cut the visit short).
How does empathy play a great role in ungaslighting your children?
Feelings are spontaneous experiences. When someone is making you doubt, minimize, deny your spontaneous experiences, it's called gaslighting. This is one of the most powerful, cruel and commonly used tools by the narcissist to keep their supply going. This leaves the victim feeling chronically doubtful and confused.
What my grandmother did for me was to validate my feelings and my experience without me even speaking about them. She was attuned to the fact that I was feeling fearful and lost. Had my grandmother not tuned into the way I was feeling and comforted me, that moment would have felt a lot worse for me. With little knowledge and understanding of narcissism, gaslighting or even trauma, she used her ability to tune into the terror I was feeling and offer comfort.
Empathy is a complex capability enabling individuals to understand and feel the emotional states of others, resulting in compassionate behavior. Empathy requires cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and moral capacities to understand and respond to the suffering of others. Compassion is a tender response to the perception of another’s suffering. Compassion cannot exist without empathy, as they are part of the same perception and response continuum that moves human beings from observation to action.
When you co-parent with narcissistic partners or raise children in a narcissistic, antagonistic or toxic family system, children must be given a space to feel their emotions and feelings validated. This can be done by having one adult in their life who can offer them their presence where children can feel a secure attachment to.
Nisanka Wickramarachchi
(Life Coach, NLP, EFT, Matrix Reimpriting , DISC, Working with Narcissism)
Helping parents who co-parent with narcissistic partners or ex partners
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